It’s difficult to see your kids suffer through their growing pains. I’m not the physical kind where their bones are elongating and muscles stretching. No, the emotional pains that adolescents all go through—the challenges of making friends and losing friends and trying to keep friends. It’s painful. It doesn’t help when the kids are shy to begin with. Breaking the ice in new situations is difficult for us adults much less teen-agers. When we moved to France, we met head-on the challenges of making new friends. I thought other kids would think my kids were “cool” because they’re American. I guess they were “too cool for school” because no one in school spoke to them. Of course, the onus was on my kids to reach out to make new friends, but have you ever tried to have a dialogue with a 14-year-old? It can be a fairly monosyllabic event. After trying for a bit, the girls resigned themselves to each other and Marlowe found a fellow foreigner looking for a friend.
What about us adults? Frankly, we aren’t any better than those 14-year-olds. When you go to events, do you reach out to try to include people you don’t know in your conversations, or do you pretty much stick to the folks you know? It’s hard to break into new circles! Icebreakers are designed to get people to talk to new folks, but, in the end, we stick with those we know.
At least that’s how it is in my area.
So, my kids are sensitive to people who need help, who are trying to break in. They have developed that sense of empathy for others after having been on the other side themselves. They have felt that pain of isolation and they make an effort to help others through that pain. It’s not easy for them. They would rather stick to who they know because they’re shy… but shyness is a label. It’s a story we tell ourselves so we don’t feel back about not talking to other people. “Oh!”, but you say, “I AM shy! It is SO PAINFUL to talk to other people!”. Well, you know what that is? That is SELFISHNESS! You are thinking only about yourself and not the other person. That other person is feeling just as nervous, anxious, tense, and isolated as you are. You notice the other person. You have the power to put that person at ease! You can change everything for that person by simple greeting them and asking a few open-ended questions to get them to speak. It doesn’t have to be difficult. “How about those Giants?” that always works in San Francisco… perhaps now it is, “How about those Warriors!” who are killing it in basketball! Or perhaps commenting on something that happened last week: “Where were you when the power went out?” There’s an easy conversation starter!
If you are the “shy” type, before you go to an event, think of 3-4 questions that you can use in conversation with another person. Go up to someone and try to help them. Be generous in your gift of yourself and your time. You may have labeled yourself as “shy”, but you can always change that to “makes an effort”. That’s a better label! Plus, you are a role model for your kids. Are you making new friends and inviting people over and broadening your reach? Lead by example. When you go to your kids’ sports games, are you branching out and speaking to parents you don’t know as much? It’s easier at a sports match! You have something right there to talk about!
It’s an excellent lesson to teach your kids as well. How to make conversations beyond the phone…beyond texting. Life doesn’t exist only in 140 characters. It’s possible to have REAL relationships with people and talk about things that matter… like which restaurant in your area makes the best chocolate soufflé or where to find the superlative croissants… (food rules for us…). For you, it might be different. You might be interested in the best places to hike or what summer camps you are sending your kids to, or what beaches allow you to walk your dog off leash.
If you want your kids to have conversations with YOU, You need to be the role model for how that happens. It’s about taking it beyond yes and no questions and single word answers—getting them to talk about what is weighing on their mind… what they’re thinking about… If you start early with conversations, then when your kids really need you, need to talk to you, they’ll know that you are there for them. It takes time. It takes work. And it’s so worth the effort. When one of my kids comes into my office and sits down and wants to discuss something… yes! Time for a conversation.
I am sure you know that research has shown that just having a cell phone on the table changes the whole conversation. It gives the message that whatever is happening with the phone is more important than what could happen between us. Oh yes, you are waiting for an important call! Right. More important than whatever I could talk about… Oh, your kids might have an emergency… right… the kids’ card is pulled out… It doesn’t matter what it is, the message is the same: whatever is going to happen with that phone is more important than the person at the table. What message are you giving your kids? They follow your lead.
Ouch.
Take the time to focus on the people that are important to you. We have so little time together… it’s precious time. You make a difference in the lives of others when you touch them—not even physically—just by listening to them and letting them know that they are important and that you care.
There is so much negative press… What we can all do is spread a little love by showing those around us that they matter to us by giving them fully our time and attention. In the scheme of things, that’s really all that matters.
Stephen Covey wrote in his book, the Seven Habits of Highly Efficient People, to begin with the end in mind. He does an exercise where he has people think about what they want to be written on their tombstone. It’s a very worthwhile exercise. You should think about it. Do you want your tombstone to say, “Here lies Bob who answered all his text messages in under 5 minutes” or “Amanda, Best Emailer in the West”? See? In the end, those are not the things that matter. What does matter is, “Dad, who always had time for me.”
Make an effort to connect with at least one new person this week. Start a conversation with someone new. Go out of your way to include someone else in your conversation. Most of all, give those conversations your full focus. You will be glad you did! Internet connections aren’t the connections that really count. It’s the human connections.
If you are working on developing a deeper relationship with yourself, one of the best things you can do is to start a meditation practice. This will help you to find the strength within to have those conversations with others. The more you know yourself and are comfortable with yourself, the easier it is to have conversations with others.
The 21 Day Invitation to Meditation begins May 1. Sign up here on my website if you want to be including in the program. There are instructional videos and daily emails to help you throughout the program.